DISCLAIMER: I AM WEARING A BONNET AND THERE IS A BEE IN IT.

Yesterday my blog addressed my concern that calling for abstinence in teens until marriage was not a realistic message.  One of the comments to that blog which spoke to the value in abstinence until marriage used a term that I struggle with – “love making” – and the next thing you know there came the bee. 

Terminology is such a great thing.  We give such power to words and as such the word itself carries descriptive powers that can often transcend the unspoken interpretation of the action.  We attribute positive or negative connotations to words and even if the action would look exactly the same to outside observers absent assigning a word, the assignment of the word has the potential to entirely change the framing.  Think about folks discussing things with some level of intensity. The selection of term changes the way we may view that behavior – is the appropriate term “discussion”,  “debate” or “argument”?  Of course in these situations we have context, body language and general societal inferences we can evaluate to better select a term, but my point is – it is just a word that has been given some level of power within a behavioral, contextual and societal framework.

So back to my bee – “love making” – which as a term seems much more palatable to many as a verb choice as opposed to “sex”.    I could rant on and on about these two terms, but seeing as this is the new forty and I am already aging quickly enough, I will try and keep this rant within manageable parameters (of course manageable is a relative term – go figure).

You can imagine that one does not get to the new forty and through a few husbands without hearing the phrase, “I want to make love to you.”  So yes, I have heard it before.  I have heard it from husbands; I have heard it from boyfriends; I have heard it from those who I have dated; I have heard it from drunk men in bars; ah yes,  I am familiar with the term’s usage in any number of formats.  Based on my level of experience with the term I feel confident in my ability to deconstruct its usage.

So, let me just start my deconstruction on my girl power soapbox.  I believe from my experience on the planet, my conversations with others and essentially almost everything I have ever known that the term “love making” or conversely, “making love” carries an underlying connotation that is decidedly gender-based.  I recognize that I am over-generalizing for effect (it is noted) – I have to do some of that to limit rant time.  I ask you dear readers, how many men (and answer honestly) see a woman from afar in a bar and say to their male friends, “I’d sure like to make love to her!”??  Come on…we know that the vast majority of men who would make such a statement about such desires amongst other guys would more likely say, “I’d sure like to have sex with her!” (or “I’d like to tap that!” or  some other equally testosterone based statement).  But, when they approach the woman and the discussion migrates to that same topic the same man will likely tell her how much he would like to “make love” to her.  Why is that?  Wait…I have a theory.  I think some men believe that for women the act of sex has to be tied to emotions and “making love” denotes the insertion of emotion.  AARRRGGGGHHHHH!  Please don’t sully my sex with the demeaning assumption that I as a woman find what you are offering me more palatable because you are wrapping it up in some sheer tissue paper emotional malarky.  Did it ever occur to you that I as a woman might just like sex for the sake of sex? Did it ever occur to you that I am sitting across the bar with my girlfriends saying, “I’d sure like to tap that!”??  And where do you get off sullying my idea of love?  If you think having sex with you equals “love making” to me we have really different definitional frameworks.

Now, I know what I just wrote has caused some folks heads to do a full rotation – no need to call an exorcist for them or me.  My point isn’t to bash the term “love making” for those folks who are of like intrepretation of the meaning between themselves.  I personally put a lot more things into the romantic love category besides sex – both feeling and behavioral things – but I totally appreciate that sex in a relationship where there is love can increase intimacy, enhance the quality of the sex and make one feel more in love (I mean really, if you don’t love someone just a little more after they deliver the big “O” you may want to go back and try again). 😉

The bottom line is, don’t assume that because I am a female that I have to have my sex packaged with emotion.  Also, don’t assume because I have this position that I am a woman of loose morals.  Is a man labeled to be of loose morals because he participates in “sex” as opposed to “love making”??  I don’t think so.  I am not buying what society is selling on this front.  My verb of choice is “sex” – thank you very much.  So don’t bother approaching me and telling me how you’d like to “make love” to me – for all the obvious reasons, the reasons above and my 6’3″ boyfriend’s lack of appreciation for such things; and, recognize that changing the terminology based on gender perceptions can be quite offensive to some women.

Next, please explain to me the actual difference in activity between “sex” and “love making” – and please do provide detail.  It seems to me that “love making” ideally defined denotes a heightened commitment and level of intimacy between two people that brings the act of sex to a different level…but ultimately, isn’t that just better sex?  Hence, is “love making” just a euphemism for better sex between people who love each other?

I think some folks equate “love making” with more kissing, foreplay, tenderness, etc. – but what does that have to do with love?  Sex is on a spectrum and certainly all the above is included on that spectrum…so how does one distinguish between “love making” and “sex” when they include the same ingredients?

Can “sex” and “love making” ever be the same thing?  Can two people who love each other have sex and receive all the same benefits as “love making”?  Goodness gracious – does it even matter what we call it as long as everyone is happy and no one is harmed in the process??  It does seem that some folks want to cheapen “sex” and elevate “love making” even though they may in function be darn near the same thing.  How can “sex” between two consenting adults ever be a bad thing?

As you can tell from my comments here, I prefer a consistent label – “sex” – both becauise it eliminates what I perceive as a demeaning practice to women of playing to their perceived emotional sensitivities and because I think love is comprised of much more than better sex; but I am cool with the verbs folks agree upon between themselves to label their activities (and I shall refrain from providing a comprehensive listing here of what those verbs are – even though they are quite colorful and endlessly amusing to me).

Thank you dear readers for letting me get that off my chest and for graciously overlooking the jumping up-and-down, arm-waving and foaming-at-the-mouth.  The bee seems to have left the building…now I can take off this ridiculous looking bonnet.  And not a moment too soon either as it was giving me hat hair. 😉

Day eight hundred and five of the new forty – obla di obla da

Ms. C