Let me say at the outset that I am neither advocating for or condoning teen sex.  What I am doing (so we are clear at the outset) is questioning how realistic it is to promote abstinence until marriage to teens.  I have been pondering this question since I picked up the Survival Guide for the Parents of Teens booklet that was put together by the Make a Sound Choice program (and education program of FirstChoice Clinic) and distributed in partnership with the North Dakota Department of Public Health.

The booklet seeks to educate parents on the implications and potential dangers of teen sex and provides a framework for promoting teen abstinence until marriage.  Yeah, they had me right up to the marriage part.  The booklet has some really good information in it about communicating with teens, talking points in regard to abstinence, sexually transmitted diseases, etc.  I think the effort of putting such a booklet together for the parents of teens  is laudable.

However, in my estimation the credibility of the pitch for abstinence is diminished by the timeline – wait until marriage.  Uff dah.  That is a tall order and I might add, not the best recommendation even if it were entirely viable. 

First of all, selling the notion of abstinence to hormonal teens is already a bit of an uphill climb.  They are already trying on a dozen other fronts to become more independent and adult-like.  And let’s face it – sex is fairly high on the adult to-do list and hence increasingly gains allure as teens gain independence.

Second, let us consider the ability of teens to accurately conceptualize time.  To teens a year can seem like a lifetime.  Abstinence until you are married must seem like a few lifetimes to most teens.  Consider the fact that most folks don’t marry until they are least in their 20s and increasingly folks are waiting to marry.  The abstinence until marriage message (if honored) would likely result in the ages of those marrying decreasing greatly.

Third, since sexual compatibility is fairly important to a healthy relationship, do we really want to tell teens (who will become adults before marriage) to marry without ever having sex with the person they want to be their life partner?  Aren’t we assuming an awful lot of homogeneity exists in the realm of human sexuality and preference?  I think those who wait until after marriage to consummate their relationship may be in for a terribly rude awakening and a quickie divorce.

Why not tell kids that abstinence is a good option that can carry them through their teens until they are old enough to have the wherewithal to deal with all the potential ramifications of being sexually active?  Why not say that sex will ultimately be an important part of their lives and that sexual compatibility is an important part of a long term relationship?  Why not say that the goal is to postpone having sex so that they can get their own lives and directions figured out first? 

Why kill the message by attaching it to marriage?  Why send a message to youth that the sacrament of marriage (or conversely, the contractual obligation) is when sex is most special?  Why let the opportunity pass to talk less about the love component of sex and more about the individual responsibility part?

I only have one child left at home to school on this topic and I will school her as I have the others – don’t jump into sex when you are young just to try it, because everyone else is allegedly doing it or because you believe someone will like you more after you have sex with them.  Sex is better when shared with someone you deeply care about, but it is best when you fully appreciate the risks and responsibilities and can still feel good about engaging in it. And for heaven’s sake – do not marry someone you are not sure you are sexually compatible with…because sexual compatibility is huge.  Treat the whole process of being intimate and having a long-term relationship with at least as much thought as you would give to buying a car – shop around, test drive it, assess whether it fits your needs and whether you can afford it.  Sex may seem easier than buying a car and may involve less paperwork on the front end, but it is in truth a much bigger decision with a potentially more profound lingering effect (such as emotional fallout, disease or pregnancy).

Give teens all the information they need to make smart choices and then give them a bit more trust to make those smart choices.  Don’t tie their smart choices to marriage because you diminish the credibility of the entire message by doing so.  Sex is beautiful and healthy and fun, but it carries with it many potential complications that are best suited for responsible adults who have the wherewithal to deal with those complications. 

Keep the pitch for abstinence real and keep it outside the marriage framework and I do believe you will have most teens’ attention.  Sex is not the big bad wolf here – not enough good information in the hands of the decision-makers (the teens) is the real problem.

Day eight hundred and four of the new forty – obla di obla da

Ms. C