I went to bed shortly after 8 PM last night.  Somehow I thought I would find respite in sleep that was free of dreams.  Alas, sleep didn’t come easy yesterday.  I wanted to remain in bed all day after Bogie’s unexpected death, but first the boys came over and then Sarah and Dusty came over to work on the kitchen cabinets.  Thankfully, Cheyenne is with her dad this weekend and was not here to witness my angst when I found Bogie dead.

I was not all that sociable when all the kids were here.  I tried to nap, but I couldn’t.  I tried to focus on doing some basic chores, but I couldn’t.  I desperately tried to block out the reality that Bogie was gone, but I couldn’t.  All I really could focus on was that he was gone and how much I will miss him.  I have said it before here on my blog, but it bears repeating – in these things, I am not sturdy.

Cheyenne’s dad was raised on a farm and has impressed upon her a more pragmatic view of the death of creatures.  I envy that.  I wish I had the ability to be a bit more distant from my emotions right now.  I wish my brain, that typically has a 150+ item to do list running through it and lacks focus, would go back to its norm.  I don’t want to think about the loss of my friend Bogie, but as I sit in my desk chair and remember that last hug and look at the brown rug that he felt compelled to stretch out on (and shed all over) – I can’t seem to redirect my thoughts.  I typically vacuum all the rugs every couple of days, but yesterday when I pulled out the vacuum I couldn’t bring myself to vacuum that brown rug that Bogie loved stretching out on.  It seems that to  vacuum his hair off it is to let go of him and I am having a hard time with that.

Bogie and Stinky McFadden were best friends.  Stinky saw Bogie’s body half under my bed yesterday and sniffed at him in passing.  I thought he knew he was dead, but today I am thinking that he may have thought he was just sleeping.  He keeps wandering around looking for Bogie.  It really is heartbreaking.

I am good at many things…I am adequate at other things…but I suck at loss.  Even casual loss bothers me – like the loss of a special piece of jewelry or something else important to me.  Recently a plant I have had for a long time (which is truly a miracle with my low level skills) was destroyed in the construction process and it left me dismayed about the loss.  I have had many instances over the years of saying goodbye to beloved pets, but it never gets any easier.  Bogie’s loss hit a particularly deep nerve because it was so sudden and unexpected and because my life has been in a constant state of disruption this past six months.  I have been so upended with all the disruption from the flooding and the fire that our “normal” life – the life where we can enjoy casual mornings and lazy weekends has all but disappeared.  I am angry now that I didn’t have more time with Bogie – more peaceful time when I wasn’t having to leave the cats in the laundry room because we were having construction folks coming and going on a daily basis…more time when my focus was less on the upheaval and more about the people and creatures that love me.  I have regrets.

I know that I will feel a bit better with each passing day, but I have to say that it doesn’t make today any easier knowing that.  Thank you to the folks who have reached out to me to tell me that they understand the loss and offer condolences.   I know there are bigger tragedies going on all over the globe than this small heartbreak that I am experiencing, but today I really can’t focus beyond myself…today I still miss terribly my lovable boy Bogie and I am still trying to wrap my head and heart around the loss.  I think I’ll just go back to bed.

Day six hundred and fifteen of the new forty – obla di obla da

Ms. C