That Fifi is killing me.  Yesterday she sent me an email with a  subject line that read:

50% Off For VIRGINS!
Ok … Open It Anyway‏

Really Fifi?

I am in the new forty…I mean – seriously.  To have maintained virgin status at this age – wow – that would be quite a feat (especially seeing as I have four children and I don’t think divine intervention was involved in their creation – albeit I might have deemed it divine at the time).  Oh no, for me to be a “virgin” you would have to redefine the term.  If virgin is defined as a person who has never had intercourse in Detroit, Milwaukee, Miami, Honolulu or on the moon then I guess I could embrace the label (this is an example folks, not a comprehensive listing – just sayin’).  😉

There was that time when I was single a number of years back and went without sex for a long enough period that I was fairly sure that I could petition the Pope and have him re-certify me as a virgin.  Basically the equivalent of an annulment for the sacrament of marriage – a re-certification for the suddenly and seemingly hopelessly chaste.

Of course Fifi is well aware of the fact that I am not a virgin – hence her sarcasm.  She cracks herself up.  What she wanted was to draw my attention to the Honeymoon Hottie babydoll and pantie set – which is on sale for a mere $19.50 (and which I acknowledge is quite cute).  Fifi pitches it with the phrase, “Look like a virgin without really splurgin’!” Hmmmm…I don’t think that outfit screams virgin just because it is white and labeled as a honeymoon outfit.  Indeed, Fifi shoppers hardly impress me as virginal types given the type of merchandise they carry…but Fifi knows that – she is such a shrewd business woman.  She knows her clientele and she knows what gets their attention and the proof is in the pudding – I opened the email.

Plus, let’s face it – I don’t get many emails these days that reference virgins.  Although I have been known to liberally use the label in relation to new experiences I have – many of my firsts have been prefaced with, “This is my first-time…I am a virgin.”  I have been a virgin in visiting new places, trying new activities, etc. – all based on my definitional frame of virgin meaning “never experienced before” – and these days it is harder to come by so I use it whenever I can.  No one seems all that alarmed by my usage of it – they seem to realize right away that I am not using it in a sexual context (go figure).

Well Fifi – once again, you got my attention via your email and you got attention in my blog.  And fine, I did order the honeymoon outfit, but I am not getting married and I am not going to try and use it to pass myself off as a virgin – some things even you can’t pitch successfully Fifi and me as a virgin is one of them…but keep trying as the efforts are quite amusing.

Day four hundred and seventeen of the new forty – obla di obla da

Ms. C