I am an Erma Bombeck fan from way back. Erma was the first female humorist whose writing I read and throughout my life she has remained my favorite. Today I would like to share with you some of her best quotes.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they’re not trying to keep up with you.

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you’ll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?" and two more to say, "I didn’t turn it on."

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them.

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people’s children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.

God created man, but I could do better.

Day one hundred and fifty-three of the new forty – obla di obla da

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