I ordered my academic regalia the other day. I had a bit of trepidation when the nice gal at the bookstore said I would have to be measured. Those cloth tape measures give me pause. I thought that I should perhaps wait a few weeks before I was measured so that I could make an effort to lose a few pounds before the measurement event, but then I learned that they were not measuring my waist or hips only things like my chest, arm length and head circumference.

So, I bit the bullet, got measured and put in my official regalia order. Well, let me tell you – I have some thoughts on this front. First of all, I don’t do hats. If I did do hats it would be something entirely more attractive than a tam. They do not offer any other option than the tam – no big floppy summer hat with sunglasses to match, no church lady hat with a well-placed flower, no sexy soft-knit beret – just the generic tam.

Second, the gown, while black (which is typically slimming) is not at all figure flattering. Those big stripes of color down the middle draw the eye to the wrong place, all that fabric hanging there creating additional bulk (it really does look like you are wearing someone’s drapes) and those blouson-type sleeves – really?? I think that upon the completion of ones doctoral work, one should at least be awarded with a flattering outfit. How about some darts and a waistline? Would that kill anyone? Jeanine (a.k.a. J or J9) suggested I wear a belt and accessorize my gown with an attractive floral pin, which does provide some hope for limited style salvation; but, honestly can any amount of smart accessorizing really redeem this outfit?

These gowns are not cheap little throw-aways. I will spend over $400 on this lovely outfit that I will wear at best twice a year. I do not own a single other clothing item that cost that much, but if I did it would be because I look flippin’ phenomenal in it. This is not going to be the outfit that gets me on the cover of Vogue to be sure. Plus, it occurs to me that this little get-up is going to be hotter than heck and then I will sweat and stink. So let me summarize: not flattering, not cheap and when it is worn I will likely sweat like a pig – an impressively attired pig – but a pig nonetheless.

Ah, I know I should not complain and should reflect upon my gratitude that I have earned the right to wear such a prestigious outfit. I do appreciate that and it is noted; but, perhaps the time has come to reassess the style factor of this regalia. I do not believe the doctoral robe has evolved with the times. Perhaps a noted fashion designer could take up the cause and examine how style could be added while maintaining the prestige. We send folks to the moon – we should be able to do this.

I’ll tell you one thing, I will not worry too much about what I eat between now and December 19th as one thing the gown will do is hide a multitude of sins over every part of my body except my calves and feet. The problem is my other clothes are not quite as adept at hiding the bag of Cheetos that will undoubtedly go directly to my hips. I surmise I could wear the gown more frequently about the house and town. That would better justify the cost and with a variety of colored belts, flower pins, etc. I may be able to make it work.

I am not wearing the tam though as it lacks utility – my head is not getting any fatter. I will remain the same fathead regardless of the gown, tam or bags of Cheetos…you know what they say, “You can dress me up, but you just can’t take me out.” 🙂

Day one hundred and thirty-seven of the new forty – obla di obla da

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