I was skimming my email before beginning in earnest on the task of cleaning out the 500+ backlog I still have from the time I was in Florida and I ran across this email subject line from the State of ND: Vacancy Announcement – Realty Officer IV (Bismarck).

I was not paying full attention I surmise as on first read I saw Reality Officer IV. That immediately humored me (what can I say simple things entertain simple minds). First of all – a Reality Officer and second a level IV Reality Officer – I had to laugh out loud. Of course I realized my error when I looked again at the subject line, but a few thoughts on this front had already run through my mind by then.

First of all, what would be the job duties of the Reality Officer? Would the Reality Officer be akin to a Peace Officer – that is, one keeps the peace and the other keeps the reality? I can see the primary job duty now – keep it real. Can you imagine how great a job that would be?  Here are some typical comments I can see the Reality Officer making on a day to day basis:

“I do not care what the sales person told you, those plaid pants are not slimming.”

“No, you are not the latest, greatest singing sensation – not even on karaoke night at the bar at 1:30 AM when you are the only singer left in the room.”

“Calgon will not be taking you away so get back to work!”

“Only 5% of the population can successfully wear blue shadow without it looking horrendous – you are not in the 5%.”

“Sir, that young woman you are dating that is easily twenty-five years your junior is not enamored with your wit and charm – it’s your checkbook.”

“Leggings are a crime against fashion and the way you are using them in your current outfit is a felony punishable by prison time.”

“No amount of heel height is going to change the fact that you are a short person – you just look like a short person on stilts.”

"Someone with toes that look like that should wear shoes that cover their feet."

“A laugh that includes a snort while commendable for effort is not all that attractive to the opposite sex.”

“Under no frame of reference could one call what you are doing presently dancing.”

“Your odds of winning the lottery are about as good as your odds of being struck by lightning.”

“Madam, there is not a purse large enough to camouflage the size of your posterior – and those plaid pants are not slimming – who is that sales person who keeps telling folks that?”

Second, does the level I Reality Officer have more or less power than the level IV Reality Officer? Does the entry level Reality Officer just get to frown and shake his or head disapprovingly, while seasoned Reality Officers are left to be the ones whipping out the barbs? Is there a training period in which one learns the correct application of reality in the public?  Surely it must take time to learn just the right tone, facial expression and level of dry zing.Clearly there is a great deal of complexity in the Reality Officer position.

I think I would be an excellent Reality Officer (I am not against starting at the bottom and working my way up – I am practicing my eye rolls as I type)…I’ll keep looking for that vacancy announcement.

Day one hundred and thirty-two of the new forty – obla di obla da

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