Wednesday was the first time I wore pantyhose in a month and a half and I have to say, I had forgotten the joy of pantyhose in that short period. Beginning on Monday the days of pantyhose will once again be in full swing, so today seems like a good day to discuss what pantyhose mean to me.

My pantyhose of choice, after years of trying virtually every product out there, are No Nonsense All-Over Body Shapers. Years ago when I was “young” I remember wearing the basic No Nonsense and Legg pantyhose and lamenting how suffocating and oppressive the panty and waistbands were. Little did I know that as I grew older I would actively seek suffocation and oppression in my pantyhose.

No Nonsense features two scales on the back of its products: sheerness & compression. Back in the day, I went as sheer as humanly possible – you were hard-pressed to even know I had pantyhose on at all unless it was something other than nude-colored hose. These days I find myself drifting toward the opaque. My current pantyhose rank midway through the sheerness scale. And my color of choice is off-black as it matches the shoes and outfits that seem to have taken over my closet. A symphony of black skirts, dresses, blouses and sweaters are my camouflage uniform. Long ago I heard it said that black was slimming and I have been on that note ever since.

I used to tell my students to prepare themselves for a litany of black outfits as I was in mourning that semester – over the loss of my figure (or at least the loss of a figure that was not associated with a piece of fruit – I still have a “figure” it merely is pear-like). Alas, the period of mourning has been a long one despite hundreds of lean cuisine and lean pocket lunches (and for the record, that is no way to live my friends). Clearly this is a permanent loss that I may need to learn to live with.

So, mid-sheer and off-black are where you will primarily find me. I do have a number of colored suits that I will wear on occasion with shoes that are more colorful for which I will break out my flesh colored hose. I heard from another fashion fellow on Oprah a couple of years ago that the hose should match the shoes (particularly if the shoes are black) as it creates a more seamless line – which creates a visual impression that you are thinner (I love when a man talks to me like that). That did create greater incentive for me to wear the black shoes and hose, but even I have my limit (which is further exacerbated by all my fabulous colorful shoes that have been quite woefully neglected these past few years).

But on to the meat of the discussion – compression. I mean let’s face it, that is the whole reason I am after the All-Over Body Shapers at all. I need to address my outer pear. The All-Over Body Shapers come in almost dead center on the compression scale. When I started wearing them about seven years ago I thought the compression was killer; these days…not so much. I love the compression. The compression rids me of my outer pear and makes me look more like an oddly shaped zucchini (which is, all things being relative, preferable to being a pear). If they made pantyhose that could take one’s outer pear and then push all that up into the bust area I’d sell everything I own to buy stock in the company.

There is a down side to compression. If you get a pair of pantyhose that has a less than stable waistband those bad boys can roll down to your hips with no notice. Unleashing the compressed area unexpectedly like that is not a pretty picture and it invariably happens when one is in the middle of a crowded room, typically giving a presentation or speech. Nothing is worse than being unleashed and being trapped. Then one has to attempt to self-compress which requires some level of breath-holding. Breath-holding and speaking in public are not really compatible. Even if it can be accomplished the afflicted party’s speech becomes breathy and labored like a bad 1-800 sex line. Not that I would personally know anything about this.

Compression is nice though in its ability to minimize the jiggle momentum. Without pantyhose anything that jiggles gains momentum and may not stop when the rest of the body stops. Oh my, that is not attractive…indeed, it is mildly disturbing and unsettling for most folks to see. Far be it for me to scar America’s psyche with my jiggle’s momentum.

Finally, compression serves as a constant reminder of the price one pays for eating that Ho Ho or Twinkie and has a healthy deterrent effect. It also pretty much guarantees that sitting will be at a minimum as the blood circulation is greatly reduced after about twenty minutes. Reduced eating and greater movement – what is not to love?

So, it is back to the days of pantyhose…and for now, so long outer pear.

Day forty of the new forty – obla di obla da

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