I need a reality check – to go please.

Can it be true that jumpsuits are back in? I saw an article that said exactly that and I thought that surely I had suffered a complete break with reality. How can it be that the clothing item of prison convicts and auto mechanics is back in “fashion” AGAIN? Wasn’t it bad enough the first time? Why do bad fashion ideas keep turning back up like bad pennies? When will the madness stop?

I am not going to pretend I never had a jumpsuit. Back in the late seventies and early eighties I had a couple of them. All I can do at this point is admit that I did not have my fashion wits about me at the time and say one thousand Hail Marys for penance. Seeing the resurgence of jumpsuits brings to mind all the times I have donned clothes that I thought were so right, but in reality were so very wrong. Where were the fashion police when I needed them? Had I been ticketed early on perhaps my life of fashion crime could have been avoided.

Alas, I am not alone in my offending. Indeed, we are in a crime spree and have been for years – decades really. I do not understand how these bad ideas continue to resurface when they were clearly all wrong to begin with and even less understandable is why we -the sensible women of the world – continue to buy into the madness of it all. The recidivism rate of repeat fashion offenders is alarming!

I thought I had seen the last ounce of fashion sensibility fade away a couple of years back when leggings and big shirts came back in. Oh yes, I wore that look too in the mid-eighties with no greater success than I wore the jumpsuits. Guilty as charged. I had those damn leggings in every color and I wore them daily with my white huarache sandals. I even had some of the stirrup pant versions…I donated to the church’s renovation fund to atone for that sin. When I look back at photos of those days I wonder how such an obvious fugitive from fashion justice could go about her business every day without being made to pay for her offenses against society. I am ashamed of myself for the way in which I have dressed – what can I say…I needed help – clearly I was screaming out for it with those leggings and huaraches.

 Years have passed now, and I would like to believe that I am older and wiser now and not as susceptible to fashion trends that are crimes against society. After deep reflection and therapy, I do believe I have figured out how some of these outfits came about in the first place. I believe the designers made bets on which one of them could produce the most ridiculous looking piece of clothing and then actually get folks to clamor over having it. On a "good" year you get more than one ridiculous item – hence leggings, big shirts and huaraches.

The madness must stop. Jumpsuits, leggings, big tops – what is next, the resurgence of the tube top? Oh you remember that one right? That was nothing more than a band of stretchy fabric designed to cover your chest – big or small – one size fits all. Either way those “tops” (are they even fairly classified as such?) were always falling down (trying to escape the body part that was stretching it out is my theory). One was always tugging the darn thing back up (okay – you got me – I had those in every color too). I can’t tell you how many times I have seen video footage of women raising their hands in the air and exposing themselves because their breasts moved upward, but the tube top didn’t go along for the ride – lovely.

In reality tube tops only looked passable on the perfectly perky average-sized eighteen year old. Anyone else that attempted to pull them off were either left illustrating the importance of wearing a good bra or left folks asking if a training bra was needed. I actually saw someone wearing one in a recent picture and I got a chill down my spine – still not flattering…no matter how many years they lay low fashion crimes are still fashion crimes when they reemerge.

I remember when animal prints were all the rage. And I am not talking about a scarf – oh no – I mean pants, jackets, suits, even jumpsuits. Don’t kid yourself, leopard print is not slimming and zebra print pants are not sexy – not even to a zebra. Animal print scarf, shoes or bag – pick one and move on – but have the self-respect to refrain for trying to wear all of it at the same time – it makes you look foolish and embarrasses the animals. This goes beyond being a crime against society – it is a crime against nature.

Well I guess there is good news…crocs are supposedly on their way out. I managed to escape that trend however comfortable they were rumored to be. It should be a decade or two until they come back in…perhaps I’ll revisit my life of fashion crime in my seventies when crocs make their second go-around. I am thinking it is about time for huaraches to come back into vogue – the white ones look great with leggings. Oh yes, I have had a break with reality – where is that check anyway?

Day twenty-eight of the new forty – obla di obla da

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