You know how you say you love all your children and grandchildren the same? Yeah…well, hopefully that is true in most cases, but I am here to tell you – not all “grandchildren” are equal. I have to confess that I have not even really met my newest “grandchild” and if I never meet him that will be just fine.

Now, you are probably horrified and thinking that my odds of winning the grandma of the year award are pretty much shot. Why on earth would I ever say such a thing about my own “grandchild”? Well, my new “grandchild” is not a child it is a reptile…I have a grand reptile. Oh yes – a reptile. His name is Barris. There he is in the photo below in my son’s hand…the newest “grandchild”.

Barris is an Argentine Tegu lizard, I am informed- my  identification system is – “uggh a creepy lizard”, but my son Cory frowns on disparaging his offspring this way. Now, it is true that I love all God’s creatures, but some I much prefer to love from a far. Reptiles I love from AAAAAAAAAA FAAAAAAAAR. I am fairly sure that if a reptile touches me I will die…yes, die…from a heart attack. The new forty will be the final forty. I think it safe to say that I am barely exaggerating at all.

Here’s the thing about Tegus they can be quite tame and very social creatures (this is based on how they are raised). Their owners treat them like family members and often let them travel about their home. Tegus can get to be up to four feet long (I am not much longer than that myself) and can live 15-20 years (how much therapy is that going to mean for the Glamma’ with lizard issues?). They behave like dogs or cats as pets. They like to crawl and lay on their owners (I have met many a lounge lizard, but lounging lizards…not sure which is less appealing).

Below are links to three very short Youtube videos that Tegu “parents” posted. In them the Tegus seem somewhat cute and endearing – if one can say that about a giant lizard with a long forked tongue. Clearly Tegus are amassing a fan base.  The Tegus in the videos are black and white.  Barris will be black and white when he grows up too.  I am immediately reminded of the Michael Jackson lyrics “it don’t matter if you’re black or white” – black, white, green, brown, blue, red – it truly doesn’t matter in my evaluation.  All colors are trumped by the other identifier – GIANT LIZARD.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STsk3JdlDW8 – Tegu playing with a sock.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbXcMvjBHwE – Tegu chasing a measuring tape.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIeVw5u8RQg – Tegu playing with a child.

Ever since Barris has arrived on the scene Cory been campaigning to have him held in equal esteem as the other “grandchildren” (two of which are human and two of which are dogs). I have had reptiles as members of my family before…but thankfully I divorced them. We have never had a real reptile as a family member – this is breaking new ground.

There is a good reason why we have been reptile free – I want to crawl out of my skin when they are around. Needless to say, I have not been to Cory’s apartment since Barris arrived. The photo alone has been enough to give me reptile-ridden bad dreams for two weeks.

I really do want to do the right thing, and treat all my children and “grandchildren” equally, but I am struggling on this front. I am having difficulty embracing my inner lizard. How do you warm up to a cold-blooded creature? I’ll tell you one thing for sure that tongue will never be in the vicinity of my face – that is one “grandchild” that glamma’ will not be soliciting kisses and hugs from (oh, but make no mistake – Tegu parents kiss and tell their Tegus they love them – yes it is true – I saw it on YouTube).

Why can’t my children simply produce human offspring? I can’t even imagine what will be next in the “grandchild” lineup…I fear that soon I’ll be the matriarch of an entire zoo of “grandchildren”. That will make family events all that more interesting.

Why do I feel like my life is only one contract away from a reality T.V. show? Jon and Kate Plus 8 may be hard pressed to compete against Glamma’ Doolittle on Prozac.

Day twenty-four of the new forty – obla di obla da

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