Web MD sent me an email titled, “Could you go a week without yelling?”  The email linked to an article that challenged parents to go a week without yelling at their kids.

I could do that.  I only have one kid here and all I have to do is open my mouth to speak to elicit an eye roll…who needs to yell to accomplish one’s goal?  I just need to give the impression that I might do something to embarrass her (which translates to basically just being myself as opposed to the Stepford parent she requests me to be in any situation where my actions may reflect upon her – which is all situations and all actions in her estimation).

Not that I never yell – every time Cheyenne leaves shoes or her book bag in a place that makes traversing the stairs a daredevil feat I bellow, “CHEYENNE!  WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT LEAVING THINGS BY THE STAIRS?”  She then says in as temperate a tone as one can achieve, “Oh, yeah…I meant to move those…” – as if this was the first time we had ever had this interaction and as if I was not standing there all red in the face yelling about it.  It makes one think that the effort put into the yelling is really only of benefit to the yeller (if indeed there is a benefit at all).

So yes, I could go a week without yelling at the kid – no sweat.  Now, had the article posited the challenge to be going a week without yelling entirely – well, that my friends would have been a different story.  That, I believe, exceeds my capabilities (well barring being unconscious, having my jaw wired shut or wearing a muzzle).

You see, I have three primary coping mechanisms to deal with angst, strife or impatience.  The first coping mechanism I use is the whole body sigh – you can not only hear it from a good distance away – you can visibly see it as my face, head, shoulders and frame readjust to reflect the sentiment of the sigh.  The second mechanism I use is the phrase God Bless America.  I adopted this phrase as an alternative to taking God’s name in vain (similar to my newest supplemental phrase – Shut the front door! – which serves to replace the ever-lovely ghetto phrase I picked up many moons ago – Shut the f*** up!).  The third coping mechanism I use is yelling.  The only saving grace about yelling as a coping mechanism is it is usually directed at errant pets, inanimate objects, or bad drivers (who likely see my red face, my lips moving and my hands waving but don’t ever get the benefit of hearing the instructions I am yelling at them to help them become a better driver – of note, when Cheyenne is in the car and this happens she always sticks up for the bad driver saying that they probably have something trying going on in their life that is distracting them – that response typically leads me right into a whole body sigh).

Lately, I have taken to yelling generally at Mother Nature because of all the snow.  Some days I get up and just utter my tried and true God Bless America, but these last few days I have been doing a lot of yelling.  Yelling at the absurdity of delivering so much snow in one fell swoop during a time when so many folks are likely to be traveling and when so many folks would really like to have some time to relax…that Mother Nature is really pissing me off.

Cheyenne has been visiting her dad since mid-week so I guess you could say that I am pretty much talking to myself here – more accurately – yelling to myself.  I am pretty sure the pets’ presence in the house does not minimize how crazy I look (or am) yelling at Mother Nature.

Today I read in The Forum online that we have had 45.2 inches of snow so far this winter – Shut the front door! We have had almost four feet of snow – FOUR FEET OF SNOW ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  MOTHER NATURE COULD YOU JUST TAKE YOUR DREARY DISPOSITION SOMEWHERE ELSE FOR A FEW WEEKS – GEEZ LOUISE!   And here we are in the beginning of January facing a few more months of winter – God Bless America!

So, yes Web MD I can go a week without yelling at my kid, but not without yelling at Mother Nature.   I imagine one of your helpful emails over the next handful of weeks will ask if I am winter weary and while you may not hear it where you are at I can tell you what I will be yelling – WHAT THE H*** DO YOU THINK??!!  Then there will be a whole body sigh and a God Bless America.

Day five hundred and forty-five of the new forty – obla di obla da

Ms. C