I have a new favorite mantra…it comes from Gavin DeGraw’s song –  I Don’t Want To Be.

I don’t totally subscribe to all the words in the song, but the lines that resonate with me are:

“I don’t want to be anything other than what I’ve been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and have peace of mind
I’m tired of looking ’round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I’m supposed to be
I don’t want to be anything other than me”

I think ideally as we age we become more aware of who we are and what matters to us and begin to be less amenable to conforming to others’ ideas of who we should be.  Sure, there are probably lots of folks who understand this earlier in life rather than later and don’t need to wait to grow into it.  As for me, I have grown into it.  I do believe it started in my mid-thirties and has now reached its tipping point…and now, I don’t want to be anything other than me.

Is that selfish or merely authentic (a.k.a. – genuine, true, real)?  Interestingly, if you had asked me when I was younger I would have told you that it seemed selfish, but apparently there is something to this whole concept of walking a mile in another’s shoes.  Now that I am the older person determined not to pander to others’ ideas of who I should be I understand that side of the story…and frankly I wish I would have understood it sooner. An appreciation of self and an unwillingness to compromise on that – it can be very powerful stuff.

Now, I am not suggesting that we all exist in service only to our own self, but instead that we remain true to our own identity and ideals.  Alas, that has not always been the story of my being.  I have many times bent myself into a pretzel to be what other people wanted me to be and it has left me dissatisfied ultimately (and bending into a pretzel – well it can be a bit uncomfortable as well).  I think I have outgrown the pretzel thing.  I am not totally immune to outside pressure to conform with certain norms laid down by those around me, but I am acutely aware these days of not wanting to be in conflict with my authentic self.

I think some folks might call this personal growth…a deeper understanding of self…a maturation of my psyche…but for me it is simply this – I don’t want to be anything other than me.

Day three hundred and thirty-three of the new forty – obla di obla da

Ms. C