One of the grad students I work with informed me that he is dating an older woman. He calls her his “cougar”. She is two years older than him. When I laughed out loud at the comment he hurriedly said, “Her birthday is coming up soon.” As if the additional year cemented her cougar status at the ripe age of 27. Seriously – cracked me up.

Can one really be a Mrs. Robinson at the age of 27?  Even with the birthday, three years does not make for the dramatic age gap cougars are historically known for. Cougars are typically over 35 and date men eight or more years younger than them. There are also other descriptors such as the half your age plus seven rule (for me today that would put my hunting ground at age 32 – hmmm, that doesn’t seem all that young- yes, yes, yes, plus I am married – noted). I am all for cougars. Men have been dating much younger woman for years and I view this as an equal rights issue and an unacceptable societal double standard.

I am more than a little irritated at the double standard that still exists in this area. If men date a much younger woman it is a coo. If women date a much younger man it is viewed as abhorrent. This view goes hand in hand with the notion that as men age they are said to be distinguished. Women just get older – there is no nice term that is used to make it appealing. I stand in support of equality for men and women on this front.

I have done my time as a cougar and I have been the younger woman to an older man as well. I find age to be decidedly relative. Unfortunately, aging is decidedly cruel. You can still feel 21 but absent some quality plastic surgery and health good fortune your aging body can kill the illusion when one looks in the mirror or tries to keep up with their younger partner. Mental age can be dramatically different from physical age.

My relationship age spans have ranged from ten years older to fifteen years younger and hence I feel semi-qualified to make some observations:

1) One never thinks more about their age then when dating someone substantially younger than them.

2) One never feels younger than when dating someone substantially older than them.

3) When dating someone substantially younger, the people watchers in the crowd will note it and then depending on their view either mentally applaud or chastise you. The assumption will rarely be that the parties are in it for love – it is typically perceived as being motivated by sex or money. If one is concerned with what others’ think this may be disconcerting.

4) May-December romances are often not viewed as long term by most folks outside the relationship. Automatically they are given less credibility as having the ability to be enduring, especially since they are often perceived to be part of a mid-life crisis on one of the parties’ part.

5) Based on the difference in age when women and men sexually peak and women and men’s highest confidence levels, there is a quite natural draw of older women and younger men.

6) For these relationships to endure long term one has to consider what this will mean in relation to having and raising children. If an older woman wants to keep her younger partner for life and he wants children that may be a deal breaker or at the least change the dynamics within the relationship.

Having said all of the above, I am all for exploring relationships based on shared interests, beliefs and passions with little regard for age (obviously as long as both are consenting adults). So, to my grad student’s “cougar” I say – coo, coo, ca-choo, Mrs. Robinson.

Day fifty-four of the new forty – obla di obla da

CC