The kids in 2002, 2003 and in 2006

I have had a quote by James Baldwin taped to my desk for years that says, "Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them."  It remains there as a reminder that in all things I am role-modeling for the four children I have brought into this world.

Oh crap.  That is an awful lot of responsibility.  No one told me that back when I had my first child at just shy of 22.  My only goal back then was to keep her alive.  I didn’t help that one year, one month and one day later I had another one (it took me awhile apparently to understand what caused pregnancy).  So there I was, now the ripe old age of 23 with a one year old (Sarah) and an infant (Noah).  The mission objective did not change much – keep them both alive. 

I had purchased every baby book I could get my hands on and I religiously read them.  I took this mission very seriously.  I was very grateful that the universe smiled on me and provided me the basic skills to get them successfully to school age in one piece. By the time Cory came along in 1988 I was fairly confident that I was skilled in the life maintenance mission.  And as for Cheyenne, well when she arrived a full 11 years later, I had to buy a whole new set of books so that I could "refresh" my almost forty year old memory.  Thankfully, by then I had successfully kept three intact before her so my confidence was growing.

I did try and teach my children to be good people and to do the right thing – by my words and by my deeds.  I hit all the high points that I understood to be important back then – be honest, be kind, be loving, be fair, be thoughtful, etc. (it sounds a little like a Boy Scout pledge I know).  I did the things I thought were the right things to do and although not always the perfect parent (darn it if the  #$@%^&!#  mother of the year award still eludes me), I always tried to do the right thing.  

Fast forward to now and the quote above…let me reiterate -oh crap.  While each one of my children have dramatically different personalities some common threads run through them (in addition to having a crazy mother).   As I stand back now I realize they have managed to imitate me in some ways – likely despite their best intentions to avoid being like their mom. 

Fortunately they do not imitate me in all things.  Sarah can cook and enjoys it (she did not get that from me – remember I have a five ingredient rule and a deep affinity for the microwave); Noah is patient (I think he picked this up in his time in the military – it did not come from me…patience is not my virtue); Cory is confident in his identity and likes being different (I like to fit in…even though I may not…that is eternally my goal – some semblance of normalcy); and Cheyenne is the queen of reading comprehension and attention to detail (I don’t have a like ability to retain and notice so much – I struggle some days to remember the children’s names – there are four of them after all). 

They also don’t imitate my goofball personality – most days they just shake their heads and I am sure make a mental note that the time to put me in "the home" is drawing near.  They are also much more low key than me – their excitement meter is not set off by things such as Gordman’s 1/2 off clearance sale (how could this have happened?).

Oh, but the things they tend to imitate.  My favorite thing that my children have imitated is an understanding of social justice.  Now I can see how that oozes out of my pores, and I should not be surprised, but I am surprised – pleasantly surprised.  They all understand the dynamics of society and the inequities inherent in it and it makes me feel better about the fact that three of them can, and actively do, vote. 

They also have imitated my sense of humor, albeit, they are – on the whole – much funnier than I am.  Humor has always been an all-purpose tool in our household and I am deeply gratified that they appreciate the value of it and use it frequently even though I often am on the receiving end of their clever comments and antics.

The proudest imitation I can see in my children is advocacy for people, creatures and causes.  They all exhibit a keen appreciation of the importance of sticking up for the disenfranchised.  They have seen a lot of this in our household and often bemoaned it.  As a lawyer my job was advocacy and I didn’t just do it for a living, I adopted it as lifestyle (sometimes to my detriment).  The common lament was, "Really mom – why do you have to help…can’t you stay out of it?" and the response was almost always, "No, I cannot".  I find it fascinating that they now have found the strength in themselves to advocate for that which they believe in.  It makes a mommy proud.

Not so proud though am I of the least flattering imitation they have adopted –  an attitude and I what I really mean is an A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E.  I want to say that the A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is necessary to go with all the above imitations, but it seems an inadequate explanation.  Probably it is better to say that they have a confidence (which is often not all that quiet) in the strength of their belief system and that ends up seeming like A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E. 

Now, the display of this attribute is different based on the child.  Sarah has the head bobbing, finger wagging "I don’t think so" approach, while Noah uses the most annoying "I know I am right and will not be dissuaded approach".  Cory has the least A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E of the four (he is the kindest and most quiet soul in the family – we often have to wonder whether he was adopted – but wait I was there at his birth…there goes that theory).  His approach is typically more along the line of righteous indignation at the ignorance of "stupid people". 

Finally Cheyenne, who on the surface to outsiders might seem the picture of meekness, has more A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E then the other three put together and it is primarily based on her premise that she is the "Princess of Quite A Lot".  I think that a multiplier effect has occurred with her having three older siblings and being the baby of the family.  Cheyenne believes in fairness.  She refuses to accept the notion that "life is not fair" – oh no, absolutely not an acceptable answer for this ten year old (particularly when the perceived unfairness is not coming from her – this is an important distinction – her being unfair often has a completely logical explanation – I see a future lawyer in her).  Oh yes, to Cheyenne fairness is paramount and she will not be dissuaded from her position.  She will be a force to be reckoned with as she grows older and likely the explanation of why I’ll need Prozac as she moves into being a teenager. 

Having come to a point where I can fully appreciate the truth in the statement that children imitate their parents I am going to try and be a tad more conscious of the things I do, particularly now in the new forty.  Just think of the potential power of my influence…what I do in this decade may help define the things my children do in their new forty (or conversely may just serve as a horrible example to be pointed to as "what not to do"). 

I surmise I better make every bit of my role modeling count.  Let me start with this – I never even thought of putting my mother in a home and I couldn’t wait to lavish grandchildren on her.  How’s that for role modeling?! 

Day ten of the new forty – obla di obla da

CC